At A Moments Notice...

1. I have never been and probably will never be a morning person.

2. I am not a touchy-feely person. Give me my space.

3. My soap of choice is Lever 2000, for all 2000 of my body parts.

4. I’d rather buy articles for my home than articles for my body.

5. I am a HUGE Stevie Wonder fan.

6. I hate when my shoes get that crease across the toes.

7. 95% of the time I am allergic to the phone.

8. I don’t speak to my parents as much as I probably should.

9. Coming out has not been easy.

10. Because more than I like to admit, I do care what others think.

11. Sometimes it’s hard for me to express how I feel.

12. I hate reading instructions…I’d rather figure it out.

13. I love entertaining but haven’t done so in quite some time.

14. I believe in and love God, but have a problem with most religious beliefs.

15. As a kid I used to direct a choir.

16. As a teenager I played the organ.

17. Music will always be my first love.

18. In high school I graduated: best dressed; most popular; most talented.

19. I am against the death penalty.

20. I really do fear growing older.

21. My 27th birthday was by far the best birthday I ever had.

22. I love losing myself in Sex and the City.

23. I’ve had my heart broken…

24. I’d much rather laugh than cry.

25. I worry about everything. Even you.

26. I was born in Brooklyn Jewish Hospital.

27. I used to think Taye Diggs was attractive, but I don’t anymore.

28. It’s all about Tank now

29. If I was straight I’d fuck Nia Long.

30. I have every last one of Seal’s albums, and will purchase all of his future projects.

31. I soooo hate B.I.G. is gone.

32. I am a huge fan of Chris Rock and believe him to be the most talented comedian we currently have.

33. I watch love jones at least three times a year.

34. When I want to, I can be quite stubborn.

35. All my life I have had the shortest temper.

36. I have been a ovo-lacto-vegetarian for 5 years now.

37. I do not miss flesh at all.

38. Homemade Baked Mac & Cheese is like sex to me.

39. In the past I’ve seriously contemplated suicide.

40. All I really want to do is make my mama proud.

41. I’d rather be home, than out partying. Unless of course the party’s at my house.

42. My average cell-phone usuage is 120 minutes a month.

43. I’ve lived without cable for nearly five months and have not gone insane yet.

44. I think about updating my site more than I actually do.

45. I hate , repeat, hate reading self-indulged "pay-more-attention-to-me" blogs.

46. Sometimes I miss the comment box, but then most of the times I don’t.

47. Sex is overrated. Love rules!

48. Politics have never really been my thing.

49. Sometimes when I’m really down, I walk to destinations unknown.

50. When I was younger I wanted to be light-skin with curly hair. Those where the guys the girls pawned over.

51. Lifetime by Maxwell is like my motherfuckin' theme song.

52. I really do believe I can do anything I put my mind to.

53. My novel I’m On My Way was written primarily at work, because the inspiration to escape was strongest there.

54. Those characters irked the shit out of me sometimes. Too many issues.

55. Spring and Fall are my favorite times of year.

56. I’m excited about the future of Christopher David, Inc.

57. I will publish my first author this year.

58. I prefer leather coats to wool.

59. My drink of choice is Grand Marnier.

60. I’ve lived in Brownstones all my life.

61. A few people doubted I could write, publish and promote my own novel. I’ve yet to rub it in their faces.

62. I’d much rather be comfortable than extravagant.

63. I was ecstatic the first time I heard from James Earl Hardy.

64. I’m currently learning how to manipulate Quark, and it’s kicking my ass.

65. I’m really a nice guy until you piss me off.

66. I’ve recently discovered most writers don’t like other writers. I guess it’s a competition thing. Oh well…

67. I really hate when people claim to support your cause when their main objective is to self-promote their cause. Get off your f&^%$# soapbox PUNK!

68. Most of the time I really believe I don’t need another "Black Leader".

69. I am sooo digging the lyrics to Dido’s new single White Flag: I will go down with this ship | I won’t put my hands up and surrender | There will be no white flag above my door | I’m in love, and always will be.

70. I’ve always wanted to be a lounge singer.

71. I’ve even thought about putting on a little show. I think I will.

72. At times I think I am a little too humble.

73. My dream car is a BMW 5 Series.

74. There are times when I really can’t believe Sdot and I are together.

75. I sometimes believe I am addicted to potato chips.

76. Since acquiring a dishwasher I rarely wash anything.

77. I am a control freak.

78. I’m a prude. I don’t believe in drug use.

79. I used to be more computer savvy than I am now.

80. I used to pray for patience. Now I have some.

81. I believe in you. Really I do.

82. I love fresh flowers in my home; especially tulips.

83. When I do speak on the phone, I’m almost always on speakerphone.

84. I love interior design.

85. I am severely scared of snakes.

86. I used to have four best friends. Now I have one.

87. It used to hurt. Shit. Who am I kidding, it still does.

88. I find I think way too much.

89. I am sick and tired of waiting on Lalah to release a new album.

90. I wrote a large portion of mynovel listening to her and Miles Davis.

91. Sometimes I can’t stand the redundancy of R&B.

92. I really can’t stand Puffy, but respect what he’s been able to accomplish.

93. I don’t read half of the magazines I subscribe to.

94. Sometimes I wish I could fly.

95. Usually I’m listening to some song about flying.

96. I expect so much from Christopher David, and usually demand he delivers.

97. When he doesn’t, I beat him up, emotionally.

98. I’ve done things I’m not proud of.

99. Like, wished people dead.

100. I’m quick to pounce. Don’t test me.

101. Like Jared, my first love crushed me.

102. I’m just starting to appreciate my looks.

:::Songs:::



:::Quotes:::

"Sometimes I don't want to be bothered, sometimes I just want a quiet life, just me and my babies, me and my lady, sometimes I don't want to get into no war, sometimes I don't wanna be a soldier, sometimes I just wanna be a man" ~ Mos Def

"When people who have been together a long time say the romance is gone---Un-uh. What they’re really saying is they’ve exhausted the possibilities.” –Darius Lovehall, Love Jones

"If they ask you why we did it, tell them: we did it for love." ~ R. Kelly

"My life is no different than anybody else's. I had to realize this. I had to come to grips with this. We all go through ups and downs. We all get stuck sometimes. It's what we do to get un-stuck that counts." ~Christopher David

:::Television:::

'Sometimes I don't want to be bothered, sometimes I just want a quiet life, just me and my babies, me and my lady; sometimes I don't want to get into no war, sometimes I don't wanna be a soldier, sometimes I just wanna be a man...' ~Mos Def

In case you haven't noticed I've been on a journey. A journey back to self. A place I abandoned some years ago simply because I thought I knew who I was. But as I wrote in I'm On My Way: Funny, how we never intend for our past lives to take center stage in our present life, but somehow, through some will of its own, it always does.

Until we undo the shit that has us warped we'll always walk with a swagger, our head will forever hang low and our lives will always be that of another. I want my life back, not my parents' or my friends' or even my partners...mine. I am so influenced by the world, by what my friends think, my family thinks...and I wonder, are there any original thoughts left in the world?

So, I'm on a journey. A journey back to self. A place I abandoned some years ago simply because I thought I knew who I was.

Wanna join me?

So I'm a year older. One would think it would register oftly loud on some richter scale but, what do you know, it didn't. Yesterday during the big day I kept thinking: Wow it's my birthday, yet, it doesn't feel like it. Remember back in the day when having a birthday meant doing the cabbage patch all day long? Dang you were too happy to see those numbers add up. But now...it's like whoa...slow your roll!

Honestly I don't mind getting older. I actually like getting my grown man on. It's just, i don't want to grow old. I watch the elderly, and it scares me. And I find myself asking, do I really wanna be a sixty year old man? I mean consciously I do, I just don't want to look like a sixty year old man. Somewhere in my house I have this book entitled: The Book Of Questions. In it one question asks: If you could live to the ripe ole age of 90 and maintain either the mind or body of a 25 year-old, which would you choose?

Initially I said the mind, because uh, who really wants to be that forgetful senile old bastard that can never remember anybody's name? I mean damn', wouldn't that shit just irk the shit out of you? * conjuring up that old senile voice* "Now tell me a'gin baby...who are you?"

But, the more I think about it, the more the superficial parts of my self starts twitching, and wondering: Wouldn't it be hot to be that old mofo up the street that still has it going on? I'm sayin', just think of the play you could get! But just as quickly as the thought comes I think of Sommore and her joke on the Queens of Comedy about us growing old with big dicks and big tits and not knowing what the hell to do with them.

Still I tussle with the question. Which would I choose...

Then, I watch my parents, particulary my pops, and I wonder: is that how I'm gonna look? Don't get me wrong, my folks look good for their age. And actually I'm quite impressed that they're still able to do practically everything they've always been able to do! At 68 & 71 they can move! I'm talking running and er'thang! Still I wonder if they can well um, you know...nah, who am I kidding? I'm not even going to go there...

One good thing about growing older is that I happen to be with a partner that prefers older men. Unlike me, he loves when I discover yet another grey hair. While I'm dashing to the medicine cabinet to get the tweezers to yank that son-uh-mah-bitch out, he's blocking the bathroom entrance-way talkin' bout: "leave it!" Damn, what's a brother to do?

Subconscious: OOO! OOO! I know! I know!
Me: What?
Subconscious: Live!
Me: Exactly.

The truth is I cannot stop the inevitable. I will continue to age with or without my consent until the day I die. And even then my body will age...well actually I think rot is more appropriate. My best bet is to continue to take care of myself as not to enter old age with a shit load of medical problems. I already have a bad back to contend with, who needs high blood pressure? Or worse sugah! [That's uh, diabetes for the none-country folks.]

Subconscious: So do your best...
Me: I will.

"Wait...now close your eyes and make a wish..."

I’ve been in love before, have you? I’m talking about love, love; that good shit…that Master P ‘bout it, ‘bout it shit. The kind of love that has you questioning and wondering and worrying and feeling all types of emotions you never knew your body could feel.

Been hurt before too. I’m talking hurt, hurt; broke down can’t eat, can’t sleep hurt. The type of hurt that never really goes away…the kind men like me never ever talk about. That speechless hurt.

I’ve been lied to, lied on, cursed, hated, longed for, beaten, cheated on, forgotten, lost, empty, shallow, passive, aggressive, celibate, foolish, selfish, crazy, abusive, misunderstood, labeled, careless, afraid even belligerent but, I’m here. I’m still living. I’m still loving. I’m still breathing.

Nobody said life was supposed to be easy. Yet somehow at an early age I developed this widely unsupported theory that life was supposed to be filled with more ups than down; more joys than sorrows; more life than death. I coerced myself into believing: if I did right by people they would undoubtedly do right by me. Unknowingly I set myself up for a fall I was not ready to take; a fall from which I’m still recovering.

But I’m growing ya’ll. I’m growing…

The last few weeks I have been feeling the pressures of life…so much so it has affected almost every aspect of my life. But isn’t it always that way? You wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or have an argument with a friend, or receive some ill-timed bad news, and suddenly it seems everything as we know it begins falling apart. Everything suddenly shifts…

I’m the type of person that holds everything in. And though this blog is partially meant to air some of my dirty laundry, I must admit I don’t always share my most personal thoughts here. When I really need to purge I usually spill my guts on my personal recorder. Recently, with all that’s going on it’s become my best friend, and the ear I so desperately need. The following is an excerpt of my recent thoughts, [/unedited]:

“I have been lost. I have been living in the realm of fear, doubt, self-loathing…I have been fearing. But not only fearing, doubting that I could be the man I know I can be; and it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because all my life I have doubted myself. I’ve doubted my worth. I’ve doubted that I could ever make a difference—when in fact I have made differences. I have touched people’s lives. I have made them see, and dream and believe that they can be and do anything their little hearts can dream. I have built people from the ground up. I’ve encouraged them. I’ve pushed them. I’ve allowed them to see the them even they couldn’t see. But I’ve never been able to do that for myself. Why…because it is so hard to see yourself when you’re looking through a foggy mirror. It’s so hard to see yourself and believe that you can do the very things that you encourage other people to do…

“No one teaches you how to love yourself. They teach you how to take care of yourself. They teach you the difference between right and wrong, don’t talk back, don’t do that, don’t look at people that way. Don’t say that about others. But they don’t teach you how to love yourself. They don’t give you the blueprint. Your parents don’t. Your friends don’t. Nobody. What they teach you is to love outsiders; to love other people. They teach you to externalize love; to reach out, outside of yourself and grab and hold onto something and love it with all your might. With all you can. But again, they don’t teach you to love yourself; to understand yourself; to be there for yourself.

"All my life I’ve externalized…and I have loved others like I have never loved before…and I have trusted others like I have never trusted before. But when it came to self…when it came to loving and understanding self, I found myself lost…not knowing where to turn, where to go, or even worse, where I’ve come from.

“But today is my day. I’m going to start something new. I’m going to stop externalizing. I’m going to stop worrying about what others think of Chris, and what others believe Chris should do. And I’m going to start embracing Chris. I’m going to start seeing the good Chris has to offer. I’m going to start seeing the man that Chris is. In order to do this I have to shut down. I have to block out, and I have to stand up, finally, for the first time in my life and be a man. For my own protection…”

A few days ago I asked the question: do the little things in your life work. After contemplating and realizing one too many ‘little things’ weren’t working, I made a promise to adjust accordingly. Not because life is too short, or because it sounds like the right thing to do—no, I based my decision solely on my desire to live the best life I can live, with as little stress and outside influence as humanly possible. An intimidating task, but I do believe quite possible.

Today’s thoughts come as a result of the second question I promised to ponder: what am I willing to sacrifice to be who I really am. After much thought I have reached the following conclusion: everything. For truly, what shall it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul?

How I live my life, how I spend my time, how I relate to you and the world is all inextricably tied to who I am. And my dream—my desire—is to be the kind of man I can be fully proud of.

That's it. That's my wish.

"Can I blow out my candles now?"

I have been absolutely miserable lately. Useless, and just madd. Not ordinary madd, madd-madd, like Edgar Allen Poe madd. Frustratingly madd. And believe me, there's nothing worse than a madd pisces, nothing. It's like all of a sudden your bestest friend in the whole-wide-world is telling you to go fuck yourself, promptly. I think in the last month or two I've cut about 800 people off. Okay I'm exaggerating, but you know what I mean. I've severed quite a few relationships. It's not that I wanted to, some I had to. People are strange. Or is that just me?

The point is, I'm madd, and it's beginning to take it's toll on me. Does this shock you? Or do you not care? Are you even reading this? Wait, who the hell am I talking to? See...I told you I was madd.

I think all of this is coming about as a result of my pending birthday. Every year around this time I become this raging lunatic trying to figure out if I've wasted another twelve months of my life. Did I do this? Did I do that? Oh God please tell me...am I a loser?

I'm telling you, my brain is warped.

Psstt...let me ask you something...have you ever thought you were, you know schizo? Ever catch yourself answering your own questions? Ever...actually listened to yourself? I mean really listened to yourself? What did you learn?

Today I sat down and asked myself the question I had been dodging for a little over a month now: Do the little things in your life work? I was both surprised and appalled by the answers. And then, for just a split second I thought: What if how I dressed, ate, or even lived my life, was exactly how I wanted it to be, with little to no fear of how others thought it should be or even perceived it to be...could the little things work then? Could I marry Sdot then?

I think so, the voice affirmed. I really do think so.

So, I'm talking myself. For the first time in a long time. Tomorrow's topic: What are you willing to sacrifice to be who you really are?

I'll let you know how it goes.

The debate is hot. The conservatives are up in arms, while the liberals it seems really can’t make up their minds. Is it moral to allow people of the same sex to marry? Is it a crime? I’ve watched the news, read the articles and even kept up with Keith’s organization, while carefully developing my stand: Would I Christopher David marry a man?

Whoa.

The thought alone rattles me—not because I believe it is wrong, but because I really never thought it could/would happen. The thought alone is radical. Maybe that’s why I’ve been sorta dragging my feet on the topic. I’m still shocked. In the meantime, here’s an article written by my cousin Eric and his opinion on this national phenomenon.
________________________________________

The Straight Facts, by E. J. Finkley

Gay Marriage. The mere mention of that phrase can incite feelings to the extreme, in both directions of the emotional scale. At this very moment our country is in the grips of debate as to the legal and moral ramifications of gay marriage. I have read many different articles both for and against gay marriage, yet still the position I have encountered repeatedly are: “The Institution of marriage needs to be preserved”, and: “allowing gays and lesbians to marry will make a mockery of the institution of marriage”. I’ve seen more but I’d be here all week listing them.

Let’s get down to brass tax. This whole debate is useless and hateful. I am of the opinion that any law that discriminates (or excludes) against a specific group is intolerable. I find it amazing that Americans will tolerate such a violation of basic human equality. Many people use the bible as a basis for their position against homosexuality. This is a classic case of selective religion. They say: “The bible says any man who lays with another man has committed an abomination against god.” This is true in terms of what the bible says. But we also have to remember that the bible was written by men, men who sought to control the population of the time with fear and threats of persecution from God if they deviated from the “Divine Plan” set forth by these very same men. Now I am not negating the bible. Like my cousin Mr. David I grew up in the hell fire and brimstone Pentecostal church. I do believe in God. Just not the mean and vengeful God I was taught lived beyond the clouds. Sorry fam. But I have been in and around this block a few more times than someone my age is supposed to. I understand that God created man in his own image. Well then I ask you: which image? Is god black, white, Hindu, Chinese, fat, slim, red headed, blond, dread-locked, gay, straight? Which image is the right one? I’ve read in the bible where God says, “I am the Alpha & Omega the beginning and the end”. In other words the maker is neither he nor she, but all things that make up the colorful spectrum of the human race. He encompasses us all, gay & straight. White and black, Christian, Jewish, Hindu, buddist. It is men who seek to separate and classify and persecute.

We do the most heinous acts in the name of God to justify our stupidity. And the denial of complete and equal rights to a specific group of people based on the bible, and the assumption that so called fags are hated by God and thus unworthy of equal rights under the law is the latest instance of the functionally retarded to justify these discriminatory policies set forth by the state and federal government.

I say let who ever desires to enter into a legal and truthful marriage do so with the full support of the law. My government should not have the power to tell me that my personal (non criminal) choices disqualify me from protection under the law. I consider this attempt to write discrimination into our nation’s constitution a travesty worse than sleeping with a Whitehouse intern.

To those who oppose gay marriage I say this: You are entitled to disagree with the idea of gender loving unions. But I implore you to base your ideas and opinions on independent thoughts as opposed to regurgitating the same reasons heard in the media, preached by bigoted and uninformed clergy and a hateful government. See this as a denial of rights to a group of people instead of the gay culture forcing its “agenda” on you.

Gays & lesbians should be entitled to all the rights, protections & guarantees under the law. If not then this country is as much a menace to the human condition as was the so-called regime in Iraqi and the misogynist leaders of the Taliban.

I look forward to the day when EVERYONE has complete and EQUAL rights in this country. Until then I implore all those within to continue fighting, without doubt, without fear and without fail.

Comments can be e-mailed directly to Eric: ericjfinkley@si.rr.com

"We don't help each other enough." Is what I thought moments before I picked up the phone and began dialing the number. "We don't give back."

I have been angry. But not just angry, pissed. Because it seems my brothers, my sisters are once again railing against each other. The world is in chaos. Wars upon wars. Hate crimes fuckin' galore. And still the same old rhetoric is being heard day in and day out: I'm right, he's wrong.

What if we're all wrong? What if all of this is a big ass joke? What if your life, the one you value far above and beyond your neighbor's is just that, a big ass joke? What if you had to care? Had to love? Had to concern yourself with the problems and/or plights of someone other than your own? What if you actually gave a damn? Could you possibly live your best life then?

Tell me, honestly, what do you think? Do you think then maybe we could change the world? Do you think maybe we can do something about the shit going on in Haiti? Do you think maybe someone would give a damn about a young man nearly beaten to death all because his father loathes the person he loves?

I'm tellin' you we don't help each other enough. We don't fuckin' care.

A few weeks ago Prime confessed: My Spirit Can Only Take So Much Abuse. A fitting title for a fitting dilemma. It hurts when your people do not understand you. It hurts when they curse your name. It hurts when they turn their back on you. One of my aunts did this to me at my parent’s 50th anniversary celebration. She looked at me, paused, then turned away. I knew before I went down there that she had heard the news. She had heard that I was gay, and had written a book on the subject. And even though she probably had no reason to do so before she quickly discovered grounds to hate me. So much so, she was able to look at me, and simply walk away. Ouch.

I have walked the path of truth. I know that her actions revealed less about me, and so much more about her. I know that her heart, though she feels is filled with the righteousness of God, is quite truthfully filled with the cantankerous passion fueled by fear, the primary disciple of evil. And though I know one day she will regret wholeheartedly what she did--it will never ease the pain I felt as I watched her, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood, turn her back on me.

Forget about her, they’ve advised me. Just, forget about her.

But I say: If only I could. You see because she is the reason so many of my brothers and sisters hide the light that they are! She is the reason so many of us choose death over life; darkness over light; fear over truth! She is the reason so many hate the wonder God himself created. My aunt and a million others like her is the sole reason this world is so very fucked up!

And so yes, I am angry. But I’m sure you know it's not difficult to be angry nowadays. You need no rhyme or reason. All you need is but to open your eyes, and see first hand what we have created. What we have allowed to go on. Many will tell you to stay clear of anger, and to be certain not to entertain it. But what they are really saying is to stay clear of the truth! Because I guarantee you no man can truly be happy as long as he knows another sits not too far off in the distance suffering! No man with a pulse steadily thumping in his body could be that cold.

For years the question has been raised: Am I My Brother's Keeper? And for years the answer has been yes. But I wonder…when does the keeping begin? When does the love begin? When does the understanding begin? When? Can somebody tell me when?

And so I made the phone call and I spoke to the brother. Because the revolution begins with one. I spoke to him because when I first reached out to my brothers--other established authors, some successful, some hopeful, some struggling to provide us justice--most, try 98% never bothered to reach back [Christopher who?]. I spoke to him because I had to speak to him. I spoke to him because I am overjoyed every-fucking-time I hear a young man or woman say: I wanna write! I spoke to him because I am my brother's keeper, and unlike so many who claim to do so, I really do give a damn.

One day I hope you do too.

The other day the following e-mail was forwarded to me by a friend. It was written by Karyl Walker, and published in The Jamaica Observer. I wonder what you guys think of it.

In notoriously homophobic Jamaica, gay men can hardly expect protection even from their parents - as was made very clear yesterday.

A father, concerned that his son might be gay, turned up at the Dunoon Park Technical High School in east Kingston and apparently encouraged other students to beat the boy, an eleventh grader.

"Them bruck up desk and bench and beat him up badly," one Dunoon student told the Observer. "Him get nuff lick, box, kick and thump from boy and girl."

The boy's name was withheld by school officials and the extent of his injuries was not immediately known. But whatever they were, it would have been worse were it not for the intervention of ancillary staff.

According to students and teachers at the school, the boy's father apparently found pictures of nude men in the boy's school bag.

Infuriated, he turned up at the school yesterday with the pictures and encouraged the mob to turn on his son. As students began to maul his son, the man is reported to have driven away.

In the frenzy, students hurled stones at police who were called to the school to restore order, in the process damaging police cars and motorbikes. The police eventually were able to rescue the youngster from the other students, most of whom wore uniforms, and whisked him off the campus.
According to a teacher at the school, people from outside the school joined in the fracas.

"They were intent on killing him," this teacher said. "They were like a pack of wild animals who had smelled blood and if it wasn't for a staff member who jumped on top of him, you would be reporting on a mob killing." The teacher described the behaviour of the student's father as "careless".

"A me save him," an ancillary staff member told the Observer. "Me have to jump on him and shield him cause them was going to kill him. Me get a whole heap of licks, but me push him in the office and lock him in." School authorities were forced to call the Elletson Road police to escort the boy off the compound when the angry mob became uncontrollable.

But the cops were also attacked, leaving some with minor injuries. After calm was restored, at least a dozen Dunoon students were taken to the Elletson Road police station where they were given a stern warning by officers from the station's Criminal Investigation Bureau before being released.

"We went to the school to calm down a situation and protect the students and they turn around and fling stones on us," an Elletson Road police office complained. "What has the society come to?" The parent who has been accused of ordering the students to maul his son, reportedly drove away from the school as soon as the fracas started.

Thoughts?